Friday, April 07, 2017

Closing off a decade!

What must turning forty feel like...

I do know that a decade ago, I was eagerly looking forward to my thirties - I embraced it, as it felt like some even ground, with a comfortable balance of maturity and naivete that led to a world of experiences.

This year I am going to turn forty, and while I do not feel any different, society's idea of time dictates that I lean towards stability and all those things that come with age. For one, while I do know what it feels like to earn wisdom, I really do not know what stability or "making a living" means; and for another, I am yet trying to figure what to become when I grow up!

I love beauty, and pride on being able to recognize beauty when I do stumble upon it. I love worldy beauty and abundance; the beauty of stillness and that of that mind.

I've indulged in the lows, and tried to theorise and find tools to engineer my way through them. While I did pride on my ability to theorise my moments of darkness, I cannot help notice how some people experience the dark innately in solitude, listening to that proverbial inner voice we often speak about, but do not hear.

I wonder how is my next decade going to be like. I hope I will be able to experience the same or different hues...yet again ;).

My creations in water colour:

The completeness of identity
The green life
The dance of the Kaali
Aethereal music
The Kaali divinity


The green life

The dancing rise of the fire-draped Kaali


The Kaali divinity

Please email me should you need high-resolution downloads of the above paintings, or the content of any posts on this blog - thank you.

Wednesday, February 01, 2017

Off to quora!

I have fallen for quora - I love the introverted, knowledge-seeking, experience-sharing setting there!

While I did become active on facebook for a tad, talking only about my passions and nothing else, that could well have been done over coffee, I simply found facebook a useless medium to connect with a larger, unknown audience. It is perhaps best for businesses and celebrities...

Quora is an intellectual google; it is a fun place to even just browse around, like a nice book.

Friday, November 25, 2016

A closing post, until next..

Being on the road (quite literally) and on a long, indefinite break! feel the unusual rush coming from living without money, and note, by stating this, I do not mean that I enjoy working for free or utilizing my talents for free, but am myself detaching for an indefinite time, off material strings, to encounter any new experiences awaiting me. I am going to explain in some future post, in painfully boring, gory detail on what I really meant in my prior post by saying "all good things are for free". I am here to gather experiences and paint them pretty, which sometimes calls for a tad of masochism in order to really know. But in the denseness of the physical world, money plays a role, and a good one at that. Now, whether I want to wholly exist in that physical world is another story...

For now, closing down my blog for a bit, to detach from electronic media as well for a while, and enter a pretend stone age ;)

Monday, September 26, 2016

The tao of identity

Ok, I loved writing that prior post of mine (and Autumn's video!) on identity crises, and have been waiting for a good half an hour to write its sequel on my personal struggles with dualism.

All along, I have demeaned goal-setting, and finding purpose that would give my life meaning in order to live out my existence (lifespan?) by fitting into mainstream society, by establishing a social identity (and status?). I've relished life experience and the pride, embarrassment and all those ups and downs that come with it, but could not figure how to align my goal-less, haywire thought-process with goal-oriented action. Given a choice, I would detach myself from the physical reality and allow my mind to exist as an independent entity (identity?). I detested the glorification of action above dreams, and the patronising manner of gearing up day-dreaming youngsters into "doers".  I became increasingly cynical about leadership as a "virtue". I detested the idea of being led, and to lead. Ironically, it is this very patronizing that has seemingly led (pun intended) to the glorification of the idea of leadership today.

Manifesting my mind into my physical self was challenging. I relished meaningless existence, an existence that would thrive in a mental realm than have flesh and blood associated with it. But yet, my physical self asserted itself, at war with my mind, pleading for meaning and purpose. I found myself at odds with an audaciously productivity-obsessed society simply because I could not figure an eternal role or purpose for my physical existence.

Almost every individual possesses at varying degrees, an inner conflict due to dualism. However, my rather exaggerated sense of dualism, could never allow me figure a "path". Chance encounter and the gradual knowing of darkness first, made me sense the joy of that sudden rush of stumbling into light. The chase of short-term goals was exciting for as long as it could, with strokes of fatal boredom terrorising me time and again into a void that I dreaded.

On the flip side, my mind and body being at odds, made relationships very fulfilling and insightful, to say the least; they have given me so much clarity into what I want of myself. Romantic relationships have shown me, that men should be cherished for their uniqueness instead of looking for those quintessential must-haves that women are conditioned into "expecting" from men. I could be naive in my judgement here, but men are by nature unique, unlike women who are more fluidic. It was natural for my mind and matter to be at odds with the kind of man they each found attractive. Dualism, albeit innate in most of us, seemed amplified for me, due to the over-assertion of my mind, which detested heeding to anything dictated by the physical three-dimensional reality. I felt like I was torn apart in the tug-of-war that is life, until..until, many moons into life-experience, it all made sense and seemed infact a relief. I can now see beauty in all expressions of dualism or identity crises; it made me unearth my love of psychology, which I may never have chanced upon had I not possessed an exaggerated sense of dualism myself.

Identity crises are a wonderful means and an easy aid to see perspectives, which might be difficult, if not impossible, to fathom in a straight world. It is certainly difficult living with an identity crisis, be it of any kind or any degree, in the society we live in today. This is unfortunately not the era of Vedantic philosophers, who sought to comprehend dualism and existentialism in an endless quest.  However, ours is now an identity-obsessed society, with the individual's ego inflating itself by erecting concentric boundaries of possession (read identity) around itself, to air an illusion of superiority within any social zone it finds itself in. This personality trait of  right-wing authoritarianism is however not to be confused with megalomania, which is another topic I wish to write about, sometime soon ;).

My mind craves liberation, while my body searches for a goal. I guess I will never find one, but may have found peace with the chase of nothingness ;). 

Tuesday, July 12, 2016


I never realised why all my life "studying" psychology was never hard work, but fun. In my early teens, I was naturally drawn towards Wayne Dyer's "Erroneous zones" that lay strewn amidst regular books of literary significance in my parents' coveted bookshelf. That feeling when you "get" the author, is what a reader relates with for the rest of one's life. Note that "self-help" books a few decades back had more meaning and scope for debate than the "self-help" stuff we see at bookshelves today ;). Chinmayananda's version of the Bhagvad Geeta also had a similar effect early on for me, that struck that right balance of Sanskrit and English translations that keeps you on an endless quest.

There is also a side to me that wants to experience life, make deductions and reason. To allow one's masochistic side bring you so much more intellectual wisdom than an egocentric, by-the-book orientation ever would.

To allow one's yin and yang flow like clockwork.

And then many moons into middle age, it all suddenly makes sense; it all adds up; it all fits in, despite the peskiness of trying to fit into an identity-obsessed society. You suddenly identify, without an identity.

I did have help, in the most odd circumstance. Whilst chancing upon Bob Altermeyer's research, I also happened to stumble upon talks on identity, by those with gender or sexual identity dysphoria or both. Ah, the beauty of diversity!

Now, before you read on and wonder what could my problem may have been, please know that the best individuals to explain psychology are those with an identity crisis. Not those with fat degrees, but those who have life experience that force them to reason why the obvious is the obvious.

While my problem was not about gender or sexual identity, it had a similar hue. I struggled to fit in, perhaps due to my non-materialist, and sometimes rebellious attitude in an achievement-centric, productivity-oriented world. While I was, and still am highly adrenaline-rushed, enjoying the rush of a cheap one-off competition, it was never sustainable, and inevitably attracted capitalist mindsets to play chicken for.

The bliss of middle age, is the inevitable conclusion one is deigned to arrive at regarding one's "identity" in society. Thanks to the age of the internet, I chanced upon the following videos by  Autumn Asphodel that threw so much light on identity crises:

Take a moment to appreciate how self-learned is Autumn - and the abundant intelligence in her talks. How identity crises can make one so much more intellectually rich than the boring "straight" world.

Now, to indulge in my favourite subject of psychology and healing, I go seeking material from authors and speakers with an identity crisis! ;)

Coming up next, "the Tao of identity"... hopefully soon; am juggling too many things at the moment to sound coherent enough for an article on incongruence of sorts ;).

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Ah, I find the backdrop of my blog too gloomy..need to spend a day and thoroughly customize. Ah, I sound look like a boring textbook with this backdrop. Maybe some florals, with sunnier colours may make me want to visit my page again. If not, perhaps I am better off visiting my page a decade later!

Matter and spirit?

I have been waiting for a moment, to publish my prior post which I chose to hide just weeks after posting, as I felt it badly needed a sequel. This is no sequel, but I cannot find a more opportune moment to re-post it again, hoping to seamlessly start from where I left off, and try to relate matter and spirit, speaking of which my current and future posts may be all about.

Being a keen "armchair" enthusiast of racing, and especially of MotoGP, I have not been lately posting too much about my views over the past few seasons, chiefly because of a heavy monotone and lack of context that I happened to decipher while casually browsing over my old posts in recent times.

In this post, I hope to string together into a perspective which I hope to find insightful, should I stumble upon it decades hence - so here goes my views on the 2015 "dream" MotoGP season:

I will not illustrate the intense season that was MotoGP in 2015, and would rather direct you towards posts  from renowned journalists who ever so beautifully narrate them race after race. Both VR and JL rode the season of their lives, with classic VR effortlessly dicing a certain MM93 coming his way, while JL went on to win the championship from blistering qualifying, race starts and run-away wins. JL and VR fans alike, no wonder called this a dream of a season.

What we were blind to about VR all along, were his "woes" - an inability to match up with JL and MM in qualifying sprints. JL, on the other hand, lost races solely due to his own indifference, relegating him behind VR in championship rankings early on in the season.

So who deserved to be champion more?

An objective mind without a doubt would say JL, as championship is the only metric for objectivity here. He is truly deserving of it, any which way you choose to quantify the championship.

However, like music, racing is all about feeling, and something somewhere subconsciously strives to equate an objectivity to it; and who better than VR to effortlessly translate feeling? Well, VR also possesses a great sense of objectivity, going by his nine championship titles. However, he happens to be one of the few that appear to translate both feeling and objectivity so well. James Hunt, Senna were others - but that calls for another post...

"Feeling", like objectivity can also have a dark side. Whether it was right or wrong for MM93 to feel that urge to cause VR  to lose, is something one could debate over forever. Materialist science can never measure or prove intent, thus leaving everyone to speculate MM93's role in the championship outcome. While such behavior does cast a cloud upon the sport, no rule can be formulated to force a rider to not sandbag. VR did sandbag himself, albeit for entirely different reasons in those years that brought him so much glory and a growing fanbase. I think, it was ok for MM93 to sandbag if he felt so, no matter what his intent; however it was very wrong of race direction to penalize VR, when he was supposedly teaching just the right lesson to MM93 in Sepang. Letting them both go with a word of warning, without either being penalized may have made for a more fair finale at Valencia.

Matter and spirit may not necessarily be congruent - can materialist science account for this dichotomy? Science has never made an honest effort to objectify emotional reasoning. We find it "comforting" to quantify material, at-face-value facts and make easy, dogmatic conclusions that have no place for non-quantifiable (?) unknowns in an argument simply because they are not neat enough to measure, thus implying that the "material" is more worthy than the unknown.

If materialist science were to look less at face-value, and exercise feeling, perhaps we'd have a metric to actually quantify it...